Writing Challenge -- Screeching Halt

Maddox's illness and death has put a damper on my December, to say the least. As much as I love to write, my heart isn't in it at the moment. So I'm calling a halt to this challenge.......

I'll do another one in the spring, when I'll be perhaps a little more in the mood. Thanks for your understanding!

30 Day Writing Challenge 4 - Day 6: Sweat

Day 6: What makes you sweat?

I'm one of those odd dichotomies in that I don't seem to be rattled by much. Public speaking or a performance? Psssh. No problem. Serious illness? Nah, been there and made it through. I've planned two funerals this year. I've made it through ticket sales for impossible-to-get shows. I even made it through a special moment with TSA at Charlotte airport (but I did sweat, thanks to a lot of people and a thick sweater).

But small talk can send me spiraling.  Networking makes me want to hurl. Stores at the holiday can induce a panic attack while on the surface I still look put together perfectly. Being in a circle of strangers and hearing, "so what do you do?" (HORK!) Feeling judged from the moment I open my mouth.

These seemingly simple interactions can give me a horrid case of flop-sweat.

30 Day Writing Challenge 4 - Day 5: Dinero

Day 5: How much money is in your wallet?

Easy, it's zero. I rarely carry cash and rarely get cash out of the machine. If I have anything at all, it's pennies.

A few weeks ago, I had somewhere around $15, all in change. I had gone to a show and put a $20 in the auto-pay machine at the parking garage. It spat back out my change in $1 coins and a few quarters. Those came in very handy with the vending machine at the office!

But as a general rule, I just don't carry cash ...... There isn't much need to anymore.

30 Day Writing Challenge 4 - Day 4: Memory

Day 4: what memory do you want to keep from today?

Sundays are usually for me an early church service, then heading home for a quiet day ... especially during the fall/winter seasons. And so it was today.

Today, we in the choir sang a couple of favorite songs from years past, one of which was "A Voice Cries Out" (words from Isaiah and foreshadowing John the Baptist). It is probably one of the songs I look forward to singing and on years where we don't do it, it feels strange....... like it really isn't Advent without it.

So getting to sing it made for a pleasant memory for today, a song I'll probably end up humming through the week.

30 Day Writing Challenge 4 - Day 3: First Look

Day 3: Who is the first person you saw today?

Like most days, the first person I saw this morning was my dad.

For many years, my dad has been (and remains) my hero. He is one of seven raised in what amounted to a single parent household. He didn't graduate high school but has a college degree (Associate's in Textile Management). He is someone from whom I inherited my eye color, my sparkling personality, my wicked sense of humor, and my work ethic.

Most mornings he is up before I am -- still. He's retired now but still gets up in the dark because he doesn't know what else to do. He is also a lighter sleeper than he once was, so he figures he might as well get going. Retirement just means he can nap when he wants to..... lucky him!

It has been a hard couple of years for my dad. He retired from a post-retirement job primarily to schlepp my mom to doctor's appointments, which seemed to be an almost weekly occurrence for a while. He ended up having to care for me after my foot surgery, my brother for his emergency appendectomy, and still manage my mom's healthcare. It was frustrating for him, to say the least. I think he expected his retirement years to involve travel with my mom to places of mutual interest. Instead, his wife got weaker and sicker and eventually became more or less housebound. It was far from what he had hoped. Even when he got frustrated and expressed his bewilderment, he stayed the course.

The night my mom's lifeforce seemed to really and truly dwindle, he still was hoping and wishing and trying to will her to do for herself. I realized that she needed more than we could possibly deliver and I'm the one who said, "Dad.... I'm calling the ambulance. We can't do this." I watched him surrender.

That was hard to see. My steady rock for 46 years throwing his hands up and in effect saying, "I'm done. I can't do any more." And so it went over those next few days: watching him asking us our thoughts on options we never imagined; seeing him sign paperwork that moved his bride, our mom, into hospice care. Then hearing him take the phone call that was so surreal, knowing the answer before a word was spoken. And then watching him shed tears at her funeral, saluting my mom one last time.

In some ways, it's only fitting that my dad is who I saw first today. As much as I love(d) my mom, it was always my dad and I who saw more eye-to-eye on things. And he was the one I called when I was in deep yogurt or needed solid advice. And I still do.

30 Day Writing Challenge 4 - Day 2: Wishing

Day 2: I Really Wish ____________

Jesus, the things I could list.

I could wish for fortune -- knowing I'd somehow manage to mess that up with truly frivolous things, when in my grand plan I'm far too magnanimous and charitable. In my plan, I start foundations and scholarships and donate here and there. In real life, I'd do that and then go into some swank shop and drop serious bucks on junk I don't really need. Much like I do now sometimes.

I used to wish for fame -- no. Not anymore. I'm comfortable in my anonymity.

I used to wish to be a single-digit size. I got somewhat close and then life intervened and said, "Nah, I need you to be here because I have some lessons in humility to teach your arrogant little hide." Mission accomplished, life. Mission accomplished. In the same lesson, you taught me how to love the real me, so I cannot complain at all.

I want to wish for my mom to be here again. But not the way she was. I would not wish her back here, with the constant pain and suffering she endured. Pain doesn't have to be excruciating to get you down -- it just has to be persistent. I would not want her to go through all that again. She really is in a better place. I wish THAT for her more than I wish to be with her here and now.

So what I really wish for is love. Not so much a singular, spectacular, 11:11 kind of love -- though that's sweet stuff too. I wish for ALL of us to have love overflowing. I want this stupid pettiness to stop. I want people to stop looking at that which divides us and look for ways to multiply our strengths for the greater good. 

I wish that we could evolve into a more enlightened species. That we would become all we are capable of being. That we would find the higher truth and serve it. I sometimes despair of the human race -- after all, how many eons have we been wishing for this? 

Yet I believe, still. While I breathe, I hope (to use my state motto). And I'll never stop wishing that we choose love.

30 Day Writing Challenge 4 - Day 1: BFF

Day 1: Who is your best friend?

I'm lucky to have an awesome bestie, Stacey. We met as freshmen in college and became friends before long. In 29 years, I can truly think of only one time when we didn't get along -- and to this day, the only explanation I have is that it was during the earliest portion of a depressive episode, so little of what I did made much sense.

We've shared plenty of laughs and tears. She entrusted me to be godmother to her children (whom I adore more than life). We've seen each other through losses, near-misses, diagnoses, job changes, life changes, good music....... It has been a hellaciously awesome ride so far and I look forward to many more adventures, shenanigans and hijinks.

I also have another amazing best friend who is there for me when no one else is around. And right now, I'm worried sick for this friend. We are waiting for the results of some recent labwork to see if diabetes is present....... among other things. My friend is getting older and isn't quite so spry anymore .... but is still just as precious to me. It's my pooch, Maddox. I love that doggie more than you would believe........

I'm blessed with so many friends that I hardly know how to express my gratitude!

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/31: Highlights

I guess 30 days morphed into 31.... Ha!

Highlights of the month? Oh my gosh, where do I start? 

I planned my vacation for this fall, to go visit my friends in Louisville. I'm really excited to see them again -- haven't seen them live and in person in nearly three years and I need a fix! Plus that will help me knock off a few items on my "states I need to visit" (since my friends technically live across the river in Indiana).

Then, SURPRISE! On July 20, Temple of the Dog announced they'd be doing a very limited tour -- 5 shows, 5 cities, in November. And in what I can only chalk up to another round of divine intervention via Mama, I got tickets for the NYC show at Madison Square Garden. I'm still trying to figure out what I've done to earn such devotion and love.

It's also been a good month at work. We've been short-staffed for a while but we've managed to pull together and get things accomplished. It may not have been perfect but it worked. And next month (tomorrow) we get a new team member, plus at some point one will be returning from medical absence. I can't wait to see her live and in person again too!

I got some crafty things done too -- not the jewelry I wanted to make but I did a couple of painted pieces. And I've gotten an idea for something I want to do prior to the TOTD show. 

I'm hoping that August will be just as awesome. It will have some hard moments -- it's mom's birthday month -- but we'll manage to get through it. We somehow always do.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - I'm Looking Forward To

As if you couldn't guess.....

2016 has been quite a year so far. Seven months into it and I can honestly say, I never imagined on December 31, 2015 that I would have experienced all that I have. Obviously, I've gone through some life-altering experiences this year, but I've also had lots of moments of joy.

I say it kind of jokingly that my mother has become my angel of live music. Even before she passed, I'd gotten tickets to Pearl Jam. But after she passed, I've just gotten tickets for my sixth show -- another one I wasn't sure would ever happen. I had no small amount of anxiety yesterday trying to get them but patience and resilience paid off!

So yes, I am looking forward to seeing Rick Springfield, the Avett Brothers, and (holy crap I STILL can't believe this one) Temple of the Dog. And at each of those shows, I will think of my mom, who gifted me with a love for music.

But I'm also looking forward to other things..... I'm looking toward the day when our work team is all back together, as close to 100% as possible. I'm looking forward to our move to a new workspace. I'm looking forward to our new work system (more than you can believe). 

I'm looking forward to making a pretty new floral arrangement to put at mom's headstone, in honor of her birthday in a few days.

I'm looking forward to making some interesting new jewelry pieces, to learning a few new songs on guitar, to revamping some old lyrics, writing new songs. To creating some new art pieces.

I'm looking forward to getting back to myself.... To putting myself back near the top of my priority list. 

And I'm looking forward to seeing how things will be on December 31, 2016. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/29: Favorite Plants

I'm not much into botany. I've always had a brown or gray thumb. I've killed a cactus, for Pete's sake. I know the difference between a rose and a daisy and a magnolia. But to tell you the subtle differences between floral varieties, or one shrub versus another -- meh. I'm kinda hopeless. 

But I do want to share a picture of my favorite plant:

You're welcome.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/28: Obsessions

Bonus points if you remember this song AND the name of the group who sang it!

I don't have many obsessions but the ones I have are deep and abiding.

Music: like you didn't expect me to say that. My thing is that when I focus on an area of music, I delve and stay there a while. I listened to Jackson Browne for 6 months solid. Britpop of the 80s (Cure, Depeche Mode, Roxy Music, etc.) for months on end. And for the better part of the last year, my musical brain has taken up long-term residence in Seattle in the '90s, with copious devotion to the tunes of Soundgarden, Chris Cornell, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Mad Season, etc.  But I am also obsessed by sharing music with the world, whether singing songs written by others or beginning to write my own music. 

Jewelry: oh my... I never imagined it, but I have become a jewelry fiend. Bracelets galore. Necklaces enough that I call it the Mister T Starter Kit. Earrings by the bookoo. It's like when Mama passed, her love of jewelry somehow passed into me, and ..... well, I have a crapload of jewelr making supplies. I've made a few sets of earrings, a couple of bracelets, and a couple of pendants. I can't wait to make more!

Books: you don't even want to know how many books I have in storage. I've got five at the moment beside my chair. I'm not counting all the ones I haven't moved out to storage. Oh my.....

Concerts: well, this year anyway..... Three down, two for sure to go, and one that I want to see soooooo badly, I can taste it!!!

Maddox: my sweet little buddy. 

These are just a few of the topics that rev me up and get my motormouth going.....

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/27: Stuff I'm Allergic To

When I was in second or third grade, I had an odd prayer: "Please God, why can't I be like my friends and have allergies and glasses?" Well, I've learned two things in life: (1) so many of my most earnest childhood prayers centered on fitting in, which is pretty damn sad; and (2) careful what you pray for.....

As far as Prayer #1, I'm over fitting in, I'd rather stand out! But that second prayer -- God got the last laugh. Glasses at 15 because I was blind as a bat, and worsening allergies throughout my adult life. Turns out I had allergies all along, just not severe enough to warrant the allergy shots that my friends needed. My worst offenders are pollens of all kind, and grass pollen especially. The smell of cut grass is enough to induce a headache. And I won't even discuss what bug bites do ... Mosquito bites are huge welts on me, not just little bumps.

As I've grown older, I've developed a couple of strange allergies. I'm apparently allergic to certain components in some cosmetics and skincare. I've had to start using dye-free/perfume-free laundry products. Otherwise it will become an ugly case of contact dermatitis that seems to last forever. And the other oddity is egg yolk. I can eat egg whites with no problems. But egg yolks give me an upset stomach, usually fairly shortly after eating them. Mixed into baked goods, no worries. An omelette? Not so much. And to make it even more interesting, I had a strange adverse reaction to one year's flu shot because the vaccine was grown in an egg base. Whatever enzyme or protein chain that sets off my stomach was in the culture base ..... The day after the shot, I didn't have "mild flu-like symptoms" but I did have excruciating abdominal pain. Yeah. My doctor at the time told me I could pretty much forgo future flu shots. Hooray for that!!

Otherwise, not much bothers me. My mom was highly allergic to bees and I'm hoping that's not another allergy that will develop for me.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/26: Words I Hate

I always have to laugh a little because I grew up in a culture that loved its euphemisms but considered you a heathen if you used the real words. Luckily by the time I hit college, I'd already gotten over it and was happily exercising my new vocal muscles. Even today I have no problem with blue language, in the right context. Dropping  an F-bomb on the phone with a customer? NEVER. Telling my brother to STFU? Any day. And never blink twice.

So with that in mind, you know what words I really hate, and what should be offensive to all humans? 

War. Poverty. Murder. Injustice. Disease. Discrimination. Greed. Cheating. Rape. Dishonesty. Slander. 

The slang words we use may sound crude, but they're mostly authentic. Those other words should haunt us to action until we can eradicate them. Those words represent concepts which reflect the worst of human nature. Those are the words we ought to hate.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/25: Food I Dislike Most

I really can't say there are too many foods I dislike. One thing about my weight-loss journey was the discovery of foods I had previously not liked at all and grew to like ... even the dreaded Brussels sprouts. They're really good when roasted! 

But some, I can take or leave. Tofu, for example. I don't mind it but it's not something I purchase for myself at home or even actively seek out when at a restaurant. Eggplant is another. If not well-prepared, it's horrid!

I also do not like cauliflower .... and I don't care how much you steam it, roast it, mash it, etc. it can never ever ever be a substitute for mashed potatoes. Period. 

Otherwise, I'm pretty much a fan of most foods. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/24: Favorite Patterns

Patterns..... What kind of patterns are we talking about? 

Fabric or paper patterns? I can tell you I am sooooo over pindots, chevron, and horizontal stripes. Bring back paisley. Bring back a classic preppy plaid. Bring back rich tapestry styles and colors. Just stop with the cutesy crap, especially. It's fine for eight-year-olds but at some point (and individual mileage may vary....)

Sewing patterns? Nothing too complicated, please. I'm a fan of Simplicity® for a reason! I tried other brands of patterns: disastrous. But generally I suck at sewing anyway..... So maybe this is best answered by "none of them."

Behavioral patterns? I'm always up for those where the risk is worth the reward. I'm definitely fond of those that lead to a better me, even if I don't put them into practice as much as I should (I'm talking to you, exercise). And the lower I can fly under the radar, all the better.

So I hope that sufficiently answers the pattern question. Definitely one of the stranger ones on the list!

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/23: How Do You Do

People I'd like to meet 

Wow, there are a lot of people I'd like to meet and with whom I'd enjoy spending time in conversation -- some of my favorite musicians, certainly. OMG, if I could meet the guys from Soundgarden and Pearl Jam, I would die a happy woman. I've met a few of my favorite authors and sadly won't get the chance to meet others face-to-face, but I'd love to meet Dave Barry, Celia Rivenbark, and Stephen King.

But there are also some people dear to my heart that I'd love to meet live and in person. Lots of folks who've I've known via virtual interaction for years but whom I've not yet met in person -- and they are absolutely precious to me. They've gotten me through some hard times and cheered me on in triumphant moments. I want to be able to thank them in person some day.

And I have people whom I never got the pleasure to meet and love because they were taken from me too soon. I never knew either grandfather, so there's a start. I have a cousin taken way too young, and I have just a few memories of him.

So yes, lots of people I'd love to meet. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/22: Favorite Bible Verses

I'll say so here, with only a slight twinge of guilt: I'm a Christian but not a daily Bible reader. I do the Sunday readings to prepare myself as a cantor, but not the daily readings. 

I was raised evangelical Protestant, so I got an overhealthy dose of Scripture growing up. Lots of memorization, and "sword drills" -- and if you know what that is, come sit by me and let's stir up enough memories to earn me a couple more therapy sessions. But really in all seriousness, such an upbringing did provide me with a fairly solid base in Scriptures. I loved the stories. The begats and begots bored me to tears, but ohhh the stories were something else. Even now, I can listen to a passage and tell you if it is Old Testament or New Testament and sometimes even where it may be found (though not down to chapter and verse). 

As an adult, I've found that in the times when I've been a more serious Scripture scholar, I don't like to consider a single, individual verse by itself. It makes it too easy to take things out of context. But passages? Now those I love. 

Isaiah... Especially anything from chapter 35 on. Such poetry and imagery of a tender caring God. How did we ever get away from that?

Psalms, so many of them, the Songbook of the Scriptures. Such beauty, such lament, and occasionally such whining! 

Luke's Gospel for its show of equality among all. Matthew's Gospel, for its stories (especially if you have ever acted in Godspell). John's Gospel for its deep theology. Mark's Gospel for its non-nonsense approach.

A lamp to my feet, a light to my path 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/21: Favorite Words

Words -- oh God, how I love them. I have no recollection of a life without words, without reading, without a love for language. As time has lengthened, my love for learning new words has only expanded.

While business correspondence is fond of using the latest buzzwords ad nauseum in e-mails, handbooks, press releases and such, in most cases we're told to make it simpler. But in my personal writing, I love to use those 50-cent words. And yes, that is FIFty, not "fiddy."

Some of my favorite words are..... miasma, plethora, veritable, indeed, caravan, melancholy, innate, imagination, melodious, undertone, azure, buoyant, passion, flummoxed, flabbergasted, iridescent, opalescent, phantasm, crystalline, phoenix, obstinate......

And I'm enjoying words that appear from other cultures, such as saudade shown above. Schadenfreude is another international favorite of mine.

And contrary to conventional wisdom, I rather enjoy using a fifty-cent word from time to time. I mean, honestly, wouldn't you rather say, "I am completely aghast by his behavior" when describing a complete boor? 

Beautiful words.....

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/20: Guilty Pleasures

I don't believe in guilty pleasures. I like what I like, and make no apologies. I still listen to the music of my youth -- everything from the '70s through the '90s. Like these two guys: Chris Cornell (L) who turns 52 today and Stone Gossard (R) who celebrates the Big Five-oh today. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THEM but we get the presents!!!  They're going out on tour together this November for a 25th Anniversary Tour for Temple of the Dog..... Cornell, Gossard, Ament, McCready and Cameron. Vedder isn't listed but you never know. He may "surprise!" and appear.

<fangirl moment commencing in 3...2...1....>

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (Breathing into paper bag)

Y'all thought I went bonkers over Pearl Jam? Completely over the moon over Cornell solo? Holy freakin God, this is MON. U. MEN. TAL. Epic beyond all epic. A whole nother level of titanic. 

I have spent way more on concert tickets and merch than one could believe this year. I don't care if I have to sell plasma and all my books (just so you know how serious this is), and freakin' CRAWL to one of the five cities they're playing these one-night-only shows. This is bucket list beyond all other bucket list items. 

Just so you know, I have NO guilt at all. It's my pleasure to be a fangirl.

UPDATE: OH MAH FREAKIN' GOD! I got tickets for Madison Square Garden!!! Watch out NYC, here I come!!

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/19: Favorite Girl Names

In my late twenties, I had the names all picked out for my future kids. For the boy, it was Jackson Cole -- Jackson for my great-great-great-grandfather, and Cole because it just seemed to go well with Jackson.  And for the girl, Cecilia Rose. Cecilia, the patron saint of music, a saint close to my passions. And Rose because (like Cole) it just seemed to fit well. I hoped that a daughter would love music as much as I did, that St. Cecilia would hear my pleas  and gift my girl-child with a deep love for music.

I did not know then that neither my Jackson Cole or Cecilia Rose would ever come to pass. I've tried to pass the names on to others but no takers so far.

There are plenty of other girl names that I like: Victoria, Katharine (spelled JUST that way), Rebekah (but I'm biased because I know an awesome Rebekah or two), Melina (my great-aunt's first name that she never used and it's so gorgeous!), and Rosalind (such a Shakespeare geek!)

So attention young ladies, if you find yourself in need of a girl's name and like Cecilia Rose enough, please use it. And pray that St. Cecilia will bless your girl with a love for beautiful sounds. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/18: Favorite Scents

Wet dog is not one of my favorite scents but I can't resist a yellow lab, so...

What scents do I love? Freshly washed and powdered babies. Freshly washed and dried doggie. Roses. A good steak on the grill. Plough mud -- yes, I'm strange but GOD I love that smell; that smell is home to my soul. Slow-cooking apple butter. "Russian Tea." Prell shampoo, or if you really want me to cry big salty tears of happiness, Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific. Lavender - the real deal, not that godawful loud phony crap they add to all the laundry junk. Sun-dried sheets, for that matter. 

Rain, and don't tell me it's the smell of the wet pavement.... I've smelled that same rain scent in an open field. The ocean. Cornbread dressing with sage, and turkey roasting in the oven. (God, Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year...)

Cotton candy at the fair. Funnel cakes too.

So many scents to love.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/17: Nine Lives

Other lives I'd want to live if I had nine lives....

Eh, quite honestly, I can only think of two or three....

1. Rock star/lead singer. Duh. Like you didn't see that one coming.

2. Radio station owner. Yeah, there's still a part of me that will always want this. I want my own "Radio Randy" (Upstaters will probably know what that means...)

3. Femme fatale. Yeah, I'd like to be the person who brings down an empire, to be the one that breaks the powerful. Wouldn't that be cool? 

Outside of that, eh, can't really think of anything else.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/16: Dress Me Up

So the topic is "Halloween Costume Ideas" and I'll admit that while Halloween is my favorite holiday, I usually have a hard time coming up with costume ideas. The last couple of years at the office costume contest, I did puns or caricatures. 

One year, I made clock faces out of posterboard and taped/tied them to a belt ...... for a waist of time. The next year, I put on a tee shirt with felt letters that said "CEILINGS" and face-paint, Pom-poms, etc .... because I was a ceiling fan. Last year, I wore faux Uggs, leggings, an infinity scarf, a puffy vest, and carried around a Venti cup -- because I was Pumpkin Spice, the Lost Spice Girl.

Of course, there was the year the accounting team were the characters from The Wizard of Oz. We were awesome, I must say..... And the year we were a rock band. I was Trixie LeBon and I rocked it out in a pink and black striped wig. Oh, and the Zombie Wedding Party was a true highlight -- watching our controller don a wedding dress and orange fright wig.... Oh yes!!! 

This year, I don't know. I want to do something but I'm not sure what. Nothing controversial, so no pregnant nuns. 😉 Trying to come up with another witticism for a costume will probably be my route. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/15: Back in Time

Events I want to time-travel to....

Short Answer: I don't.

Long Answer: No, really. I honestly have no historical event I want to see, because my presence there would be unnecessary or perhaps even detrimental. In my own personal history, I don't want to revisit anything, because of the overwhelming temptation to change the known-to-current-me outcome. Every event has shaped me into who I am and it's taken me a lifetime to learn to love this person. Not about to throw that away for time travel. I don't want to see the future -- any potential future -- for fear of making a poor decision that would alter what might be a phenomenal future. 

Let's face it: Doc Brown was right about messing up the whole space-time continuum thing. And truly, all we have is the present moment. Let's look for the joys and wonders in those. That's better than wishing our lives away on what we'd change or trying to divine an uncertain future. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/14: I Want To Learn How...

Oh, there are always so many things I want to learn how to do! 

• Continue to learn to play guitar, even though I have dropped formal lessons for the time being. To continue, I'll do video lessons and practice. I hated suspending my formal lessons, but spending those last days with mom and my family was worth it. 
• THEN, learn bass. Then ukelele. 
• Write music, not just lyrics (which I have done already). Well, I already did write the music for one song and we used it as a responsorial psalm one Sunday! Anyway, I want to do more songwriting across different genres.
• Make jewelry. I'm already working on that, using ready-made bracelets, etc. But I have a few books on making wire jewelry, so I'm planning to do this too.
• Paint with oils. I do quasi-okay with acrylics but I'd like to branch out.
• Draw, sketch. I pretty much suck at this. I know, go figure, I can sketch okay enough to do painting but not well enough for it to stand on its own.

There are plenty of other things I'd love to learn... But I notice that all of these have a theme of creative and/or performing arts. Maybe The Universe is trying to tell me something....

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/13: Transportation

Can’t keep my eyes from the circling sky

Tongue-tied and twisted


Just an earth-bound misfit, I

-- "Learning to Fly" by Pink Floyd

The actual topic is "modes of transportation you'd like to take." Well, considering that I've pretty much covered most conventional modes (car, bike, boat, train, plane), I thought I'd look at one I've been wanting to try for thirty years: hang gliding.

Seriously.

I first got the idea in Fall 1987, at College of Charleston, while matching MTV in the Stern Center 4th Floor Gameroom. That's where the billiards tables were along with arcade games, and the big screen TV that was always on MTV. That's where I first saw the video for Pink Floyd's "Learning To Fly"..... and the dream was born.

Now mind you, I was approaching three bills at the time. Can you see a person of such size hang-gliding? The dream has never left me. The foot surgery has put an end to the running dream -- but hang-gliding is still there. I have a few pounds to shed again (aaaagh) but I'm planning to glide through the skies..... Oh, you know? That would be a fantastic way to celebrate my 50th!!!!

So hit the skies I shall ..... No longer an earth-bound misfit.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/12: Traveling

Places I want to travel to ...... Everywhere is a pretty good answer. I've done some traveling but not nearly enough. I don't think you can ever do too much traveling. 

For places in the US, I'd like to go to NYC and Boston, since I've never been to either place. I know, I know. I'd also love to visit San Francisco, Seattle, and St. Louis. I'd love to go back to Chicago and be a tourist instead of a business traveler. And I'd love to go back to Denver and Colorado Springs (especially) as a tourist again. Oh and once to Bonnaroo and once to Coachella just to say I've been. 

For places overseas, name it. I've never gone outside the US but want to so much. Rome tops my list, followed by Paris, London... Okay, pretty much the Euro tour. I also want to go to Argentina and learn to tango. To Fiji or Samoa. To Singapore. To Nepal. To Australia and New Zealand. It's a huge world and I'm still young enough to love and enjoy it. 

If I'd been smarter after college -- wait, rephrase, I should have been smarter in college and not been so stupid as to piss away a scholarship. Still, if I'd been smarter, I'd have figured out a way to pay for school without a mountain of student loan debt and spent a couple of years after college just traveling. I think that will always be a regret -- not the traveling part but just being too naive and not wise enough to have figured some of these things out. 

But I have now, and life is still ahead of me. I'm not sure how much of it I might have appreciated in my 20s either. Now.... I just need to put my hands on a winning Lotto ticket.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/11: Things I Miss

Okay everyone, I really do have a post. A damn good one.

Unfortunately, it is somehow held up in Blogger hell, as the Android version shut down just as I'd saved the post. I'm trying to get it back but it may be tomorrow ..... Ugh! 

Another reason I like iOS stuff.

UPDATE: looks like my incredible post may be lost in Android hell after all. :( It was awesome too. AAAARGH!!!! I'll keep looking for a way to recover it. This is merely a placeholder post. Yeah, that's it!

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/10: Odd Facts You Know

Odd facts that I know..... Hmm. I know a lot of facts but how odd they are, I don't know. In college I was known as "The Human Rolodex & Encyclopedia of Useless Facts" mainly because I had a bizarre capability to remember phone numbers. Now that I think of it, I can still remember my college phone numbers from the years in the dorm (792-6198 and 792-6046). I don't remember the number from the apartment, but I rarely gave it out anyway. I still have a propensity to remember numbers ...

But anyway here are some odd facts about me....

1. I am now one of two descendants remaining on one side of my mom's family. The way it is looking, when my brother and I both pass, that branch of the family tree will end. 

2. I've been on TV newscasts a few times, mostly in "person on the street" segments -- you know, you're in a store just buying something and a news reporter comes up to get your opinion on some news topic. The last time it happened, I was coming out of Rite Aid (having just bought a CRAPton of cough drops and Kleenex). The news reporter asked my opinion about the removal of certain meds from OTC to asking for them at the pharmacy counter -- mainly due to meth cooking. So I gave my opinion (basically that I hated it had come to that but that I understood the reasons). I was interviewed at the airport (dropping off a friend) when asked my opinion about the smoking ban on domestic flights (so that was 1990 or so?) ..... Things like that. 

3. I truly literally do not remember a time in my life when I did not read. I freaked adults out, and a few kids too. I think people don't know what to do with a kid who teaches herself to read and is so enamored of learning that she'll read encyclopedias in kindergarten. I wish I could say it made me less gullible but alas, my too-trusting heart played a role for several more years. Then I started getting wiser, not just smarter.

Okay, I'm done. I really can't think of any odd facts I know. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/9: Favorite Songs

Hahahahahahahahaha..... (repeat ad infinitum)

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not have favorite songs. I have favorite anthologies by a bazillion artists. I can never EVER pick a favorite song, just like I cannot pick a favorite book or a favorite movie. There are far too many out there and to say, "Oh my gosh, this is THE best song EVER!!!!" -- just no. No. no. Can't be done.

That being said, I do have favorite artists and songs that I like by them perhaps more than I do other songs in their catalogs. But my gosh, to go back to all the artists I enjoy most, and to try to narrow it down? Okay, instead, I will list 3 songs by various artists that I like and we'll see where it takes us......

Keep in mind, there is sometimes no rhyme or reason why a particular song may be a "favorite" .... it may be that I have a specific memory attached to the song that makes me feel especially happy or warm.

Van Morrison: "Caravan," "If I Ever Needed Someone," "These Are The Days"
Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Number," "Everything You Did," "Pretzel Logic"
Boston: "Hitch a Ride," "We're Ready," "Let Me Take You Home Tonight"
Earth Wind & Fire: "September," "Serpentine Fire," "That's the Way of the World"
Billy Joel: "The Ballad of Billy the Kid," "And So It Goes," "You May Be Right"
Duran Duran: "The Reflex," "Is There Something I Should Know," "New Moon on Monday"
Rick Springfield: "Don't Talk To Strangers," "I've Done Everything For You," "Souls"
U2: "A Sort of Homecoming," "Mysterious Ways," "Window in the Skies"
Hootie & The Blowfish: "Only Wanna Be With You," "Tootie," "Hey Hey What Can I Do" (their Led Zeppelin cover)
Pearl Jam: "Given to Fly" (are you surprised?), "Glorified G," "I Am Mine" (although I'm really digging a lot of the stuff from the last CD, "Lightning Bolt" as well)
Soundgarden: "The Day I Tried to Live," "Fell on Black Days," "Blow Up The Outside World" (my Big 3, Group A -- the Group B is only a fraction lower -- although seriously, I could list almost their whole catalog).
Alice in Chains: "Would," "Them Bones," "Down in a Hole"
Chris Cornell: "Murderer of Blue Skies," "Sweet Euphoria," "Scar on the Sky"
Audioslave: "I Am The Highway," "Be Yourself," "Wide Awake"
Lake Street Dive: "Miss Disregard," "Faith" (George Michael cover), "Stop Your Crying"

There are plenty of others I just can't even think of -- my musical tastes are pretty varied and I have a veritable crapton of music in hard-copy and digitized that I would have to mentally consider. But perhaps one day I'll come up with a definitive list.......

Hahahahahahahahaha..... (repeat ad infinitum)

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/8: Your Random Quirks

Why fit in when you were born to stand out?

I love my quirks. Truly, madly, deeply. I have never really disowned my quirks and eccentricities, but it did take some time for me to truly appreciate them. They make me who I am, and I love the person I have become.

My quirks include.....

1. Having to be the driver or ride in the front. Well, it's less a quirk than a need, thanks to migraines and motion sickness. It has made for some damn sucky trips but being the driver helps tremendously. 

2. Connecting dang near everything to a song. Chances are, I have a title, a lyric, or an artist's story to go with nearly any situation. And I'm not afraid to use them. And do, rather often. 

3. Singing and/or dancing along in the car. Yep. Folks on Highway 14 going from Pelham Road to Woodruff Road during lunch hour were treated to a fabulous air guitar performance by yours truly, coinciding with a magnificent sing-into-your-hairbrush routine, with occasional punctuation by my finger drumsticks on the steering wheel. And the evening crowd on I-85 was treated to my one-arm-at-a-time choreography...... 

4. Earbud must be in right ear so I can listen with the handset by my left ear. As a righty, I probably use the left ear for the phone so that I can keep the right hand free for taking notes. Thus.... 

5. A quirk I no longer have: back during cassette days, when I had crates and cases full of them, I had them arranged merely in the order in which I'd purchased them.... But I could tell you which one was missing by a glance. These days, I'm lucky I know where some of my actual physical CDs are. Most of my music in the last few years has been digital (or digitized from hard copy CDs). 

6. But I'll be danged if I read off a Kindle. I still love to feel a book, to turn the page, to savor words the old-fashioned way. Magazine or entertainment articles, sure.... But books. Oh books. Real books. I'll plant a few extra trees for the pure joy of a real book. 

Okay friends, I'm all out of ideas on my random quirks. Tell me what I left off..... 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/7: Reasons To Be Happy

I'll be the first to say that the last year or so of my life has been a rollercoaster, with beauty and heartbreak. In even my darkest moments -- battling anxiety and depression, losing my mother, dealing with so many changes -- I have found amazing reasons to be happy. For me, even in my worst moments, I try to find something to smile or laugh about and look at those things which make my heart soar.

• Dear friends who care and let you know  you matter.

• Family. This year, more than ever, family ties have made me very happy.

• Truly amazing coworkers and management who have had my back.

• Great music and live shows, especially getting to see some acts I've followed for many years but never saw until now. 

• Singing with an awesome choir and a great a capella group. PS: Viking women always rock. 

• Coffee.... But for me, that's a given.

Every day brings an opportunity to cherish even a singular moment of happiness..... and to allow it to develop into a garden of joy that can sustain you in all moments. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/6: Pet Peeves

Our Lady of Perpetual Annoyances, pray for us......

I thought about some of the things that I encounter on a daily basis that just irritate me to no end. There are days when I feel like a broken record: "No, we still can't get tracking information from Vendor X" or "um, no, they don't have the part yet, so I can't give you an ETA." Yes, I really do say these things multiple times throughout the week, if not the day. But it's really minor in the grand scheme of things. 

One of my biggest sources of frustration is traffic on my daily commute.... But again, it's a necessary evil and after 11 years, can I really complain? And the long commute is great for allowing me to unwind after work, so again no real problem.

This time last year, I could definitely tell you that my chief pet peeve was the lack of respect for handicapped parking. I had a permit based on my foot surgery, and there were times when the striped part of the larger parking space would have a car in it! Folks, that's not another parking space, and without a handicapped placard or plate, you are in violation. It certainly was always a pet peeve of mine because my grandmother was disabled -- and didn't live long enough to enjoy the benefits of a handicapped space. And because of mom's decline that last year where she needed a handicapped placard, I became especially cognizant of how important those places are. And I do realize that people with chronic illness and use handicapped spaces with permission may have good days and look perfectly able-bodied one day -- and in agony and barely able to move the next. What truly infuriates me are people who knowingly misuse the placard ... You know, borrowing Grandpa's car and not taking Grandpa but parking in the handicapped spot because Grandpa has the tag. Or still using Mom's placard 3 years after she passes..... THAT sort of abuse is absolutely uncalled for!

Yeah..... That's pretty much it. And people who insist on Sunday driving in the left lane. You earn my everlasting wrath.....

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/5: Fears

Fear. A well-known nemesis to many, myself included. There are those who might say to me, "Seriously? You are Miss Fearless!" And yet others who would go, "Indeed and you are ruled by your fears."

The answer is that both are true.

I am fearless when it comes to some things. Pack up and take off for a weekend in parts unknown, by myself, just because? Sure! Lots of times! Drive in Atlanta? Bah, nothing to it. Quit my job without a safety net or new job the next week? Not something I'd suggest but I have done it (once), out of pure necessity. Orange jumpsuits are not a good look on me. Things that other people wring their hands over, I decide and do and what happens, well, it does. Life is an adventure for those who dare.

But on other things....... bock bock bock, chicken I am. Like the fears that gnaw at the back of my brain. The anxieties that cross my mind just as I'm just-this-close to asleep and TOO LATE, I'll be thinking about this minor issue for at least another hour. And I am most especially super-wary of opening up my very guarded soul to people. My inner essence is too valuable a treasure, and I've already learned a hard painful lesson about pearls and swine.

Still, the cycle of fear is strong. My maternal grandmother, wonderful as she was, lived in fear, primarily of physically falling -- understandable, given that she was disabled by polio. My mother too became a fearful person in her later years..... the woman who raised me to be a tough chick, to be my own hero, became someone who was too frightened by her physical limitations to do anything except wait for death.

Yet I am blessed to have my father's DNA coursing through me as well. The gene for do-or-die runs strong in my paternal people. I think our mottoes are "what other choice is there?" (that, and "sleep is for the weak, we'll rest when we're dead.") So I am determined with every fiber of my being to not give into my fears. I am hell-bent on not allowing my trepidation to outweigh my courage. I'm not stupid, mind you. I have a good sense of intuition and have managed to allow my suspicious nature to save my hide a couple of times. But I will not allow "oh, I'm afraid so I suppose I just won't....." to be a guide.

Even in those areas I fear most.

Especially those.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/4: Favorite Animals

I'm a dog person, and that's pretty much the list. And it has to be a big dog .... No, sireebob, no little dogs for me. No thank you. 

We have pretty much always been dog people whenever we've had pets. Skipper when I was 7, Skippy when I was 10, Huffy when I was 16, Sarge for a very brief time when I was in college, and my beloved Maddox for nine years now. We had one cat -- a beautiful solid white one named Frosty when I was 12. That's how my dad learned he was allergic to cats. When the day comes.... Yeah, of course it will be another dog. There is just something about a dog that matches my personality and philosophy (goofy and lovable).

I also love dolphins, always have. They are just such beautiful mysterious creatures. So smart! I had the pleasure years ago of taking a dolphin cruise during a weekend at Hilton Head. Absolutely amazing to watch them run alongside the boat. They are my favorite sea creature of all.

Not that I don't love other animals....  But a pet ferret doesn't have the same appeal to me that a dog does. And as tasty as other sea creatures are, they don't captivate me as the dolphin does.

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/3: If I Were Brave

The full title is "activities I'd do if I were brave" ..... And I've had a few in mind over the years, and a few I'm actually planning out. 

Hang glide -- I have had this crazy vision, dream, what-have-you of me doing this for almost 30 years. I thank Pink Floyd and "Learning To Fly" off A Momentary Lapse of Reason. When you consider that back then, I was waaaay heavier, it seems foolish to picture. But I still have the dream. I want to try it just once. I think for me, it's less a sense of adventure and daring than the idea of having slipped the surly bonds of earth. To feel that sense of freedom in the air..... I need to have that, just once.

"Ink" -- I'd mentioned in one of my April posts that I've been planning a tattoo. I actually contacted a recommended artist and set up a time to consult. Not only did he not show, he hasn't even been in touch since to say, "wow, sorry I missed the appointment " or ANYTHING. So needless to say, that establishment will not be getting my business. But I have a couple of other leads to sniff out. I am scared, yes, but this is important enough for me to suck it up and be brave. With one symbol, I will tell my story, maybe provide some hope and inspiration to someone else, and provide a voice for those who cannot speak their truth, whatever the reason.

Commit to a race -- I used to walk 5K's a good bit. Since the foot surgery, this looks like it will become a distant memory. And my "running dream" -- as vivid and beautiful as my hang-gliding vision -- will most likely not happen either. But I'd like to do just one more race. To try once more to beat my personal best. To say "yes, I did it!" And then take up cycling more seriously. I'd say I was angry about the whole deal but how can I be, when I spent 25 years lucky enough to outrun my diagnosis (osteoarthritis)? It simply caught up with me. I gambled and the house won. 

Open my heart -- speaking of gambling.......

Well, that's about it. With everything else, I'm fairly brave -- let's face it, people marvel that I travel here and there as I please, that I go and do on a whim, and so forth. I reply, "What else should I do, hole up all my life? No thanks, I've seen too many people allow their fears to dictate their activities. I will not."

And so I do my best to live that philosophy. Because honestly, what else is there? 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/2: Things That Complete My Life

This is almost too easy an assignment, and yet not as easy as I thought.

Music -- like who doesn't know that about me? It doesn't just complete me, it consumes me. It is what runs through me and has as long as I can remember. I want to focus more on making my own music, even if for no one else's enjoyment but my own. 

Reading -- I'm also a sucker for words, their meanings, their uses, how they bring ideas to life. How words magically become sentences, then stories, then woven into your own life's tapestry. Like music, reading has been interwoven into my own history. I do not remember a time when I did not read. 

My faith -- I am not joking when I say I couldn't make it without it. I'm not a daily Bible reader, my prayers are often along the lines of "okay God, you know the big picture better than I do, so whatever...." and I'd be lying if I said I didn't entertain questions and doubts, even in my belief. All I know is that I'm not losing anything by believing, and that if I'm not exhibiting love for humankind as I should, call me out on it. 

Coffee -- sweet nectar of the gods, I could not manage without you. I am also heavily dependent upon your cousins, Diet Coke and Diet Mtn. Dew to assist me in my efforts to simply "people" each day. I'm no misanthrope, and you make sure I don't walk that line. Thank you, dear ground-up precious bean, for your mighty work.

My dog -- my precious pup has been with me nine years now. My time with him grows shorter, and I am so appreciative of the adventures we've shared. He became my mother's boon companion for those years and worships the ground my father walks on. But he's my baby, upon whom I've lavished affection and received far more in return. When the time comes, and he leaves me..... I can't even think about it now. 

My godchildren -- it has been my greatest honor, joy, blessing to watch this sister and brother become amazing young adults. I'm not sure I could be more proud of them than I already am. They are smart, conscientious, fun-loving, and amazing. In them, I do have hope for the next generation and beyond. 

***

But even in all this, somehow my life is incomplete. Not because I'm single and childless; I reconciled myself to those things some time ago. Those are small things, or so it feels most times. 

Seventeen weeks ago today, I lost a piece of my heart I can never get back. In fact, it was four months to the day since she said her final word to me: my own name. Yesterday, driving back to the office from lunch, I swore I heard her voice in my head saying, "Hey hun!" And I nearly had to pull over. I just quietly mouthed a half-whisper "Hey Mama..." and let my eyes leak for a couple of minutes. 

I never ever imagined this. Ever. I've had my cousin and three other close friends all lose their mothers this year. I am not sure we'll ever feel complete again. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 3 - 7/1: Favorite Sounds

I live in a world of sound, primarily of my own choosing. I wake to music, turn on the news, talk to people, and drive with music blaring. At work I'm surrounded by phones ringing, people talking, and one earbud in for (again) music. In my car there's not only music but the sounds of traffic. I am not afraid of silence, but I admit it is hard for me -- primarily because music has been so much a part of my world as long as I can recall. 

Among my favorite sounds are the ocean waves coming on shore ..... the cute little whimper that my big wee beastie makes when he sees me ... the crack of a wooden bat (and there is no sadder sound than the *ping* of an aluminum bat) ... an alto saxophone ... fingerpicking on an acoustic guitar ... the crackle of firewood breaking down in the heat (and that's also a favorite smell) ... a baby's soft murmur while sleeping ... my godchildren's laughter ... seagulls ... the crunch of leaves underfoot in the autumn ... the rooster crowing at Williams-Brice ... the rooster crowing for away games too ... my mother's voice that still exists in my memory.

Sweet sounds, one and all. 

30 Day Writing Challenge 2 - 4/30/16: Door

“There's a difference between fear and paralysis. And I've learned that I don't have to 'grow up' to be open to opportunity, to be willing to step through doors without being pushed. I just have to be brave. I just have to be slightly braver than I am scared.” -- Victoria Schwab

With only a couple of exceptions, I pretty much have an open-door policy to the people in my life. My heart is a place where they can be at home, until there is a reason to evict them. 

The door is never locked (again, barring the exceptions), and the people in my life are free to roam at will. Whenever they return, the coffee will be hot, the cake freshly baked, and I'm ready to pull up a chair and talk to them for as long as it takes.

This is odd -- normally, I'm very guarded about who I let in. And I still am. I have a huge 50-room mansion for a heart. Most people don't get past the public rooms. But there are the ones who've made it past the bouncers and velvet ropes. They're also the ones who have the keys to the heaviest doors of all because they've earned those keys. 

And doors can close. It is a painful thing to close doors. It's a heartwrenching event to have those doors shut for you.... And to know they can never be opened again. The pangs of a sealed door hurt like no other.

So I'm trying to be braver than I ever have been. To open more doors myself and to try to keep my doors a little more open as well. Because really, life demands it.

30 Day Writing Challenge 2 - 4/29/16: Crush

"It's called a crush because it's how your heart feels when the feelings aren't returned...." -- seen on Tumblr

I think my first crush had to be Andy Gibb in 2nd grade. Yeah, I always went for the musicians..... I also crushed on Shaun Cassidy. He too sang, kinda. He had "Hey Deenie".... But ohhhh Andy Gibb, so cute. Girls of a certain age will remember Tiger Beat magazine and all the pictures you could rip out and post to your wall or locker.

Junior high? Oh God, Rick Springfield and Duran Duran. My walls were covered with posters, I had all the cassettes -- I told you I went for musicians. But I also had a thing for a young guy named "Jay".... Jay was a pattern for all my crushes, guys who were totally and completely unattainable, out of reach, safe. I could "love" them from afar and when the affections were not returned, it was okay because they were really never mine to have. That pattern continued all through high school and college.

But then came the crush who wasn't safe. He was available and even a smidge interested, at least enough to respond to my inept awkwardness and to begin something of a relationship. But while he was available and safe, he was all wrong.

And crush is exactly what happened to me and to my world.

So these days, my heart is guarded. Not that I really ever gave it easily. You don't give away your most prized possession to just anyone. My heart is crushed but rebuilt and still able to love.... which I find to be miraculous in itself.