Fear. A well-known nemesis to many, myself included. There are those who might say to me, "Seriously? You are Miss Fearless!" And yet others who would go, "Indeed and you are ruled by your fears."
The answer is that both are true.
I am fearless when it comes to some things. Pack up and take off for a weekend in parts unknown, by myself, just because? Sure! Lots of times! Drive in Atlanta? Bah, nothing to it. Quit my job without a safety net or new job the next week? Not something I'd suggest but I have done it (once), out of pure necessity. Orange jumpsuits are not a good look on me. Things that other people wring their hands over, I decide and do and what happens, well, it does. Life is an adventure for those who dare.
But on other things....... bock bock bock, chicken I am. Like the fears that gnaw at the back of my brain. The anxieties that cross my mind just as I'm just-this-close to asleep and TOO LATE, I'll be thinking about this minor issue for at least another hour. And I am most especially super-wary of opening up my very guarded soul to people. My inner essence is too valuable a treasure, and I've already learned a hard painful lesson about pearls and swine.
Still, the cycle of fear is strong. My maternal grandmother, wonderful as she was, lived in fear, primarily of physically falling -- understandable, given that she was disabled by polio. My mother too became a fearful person in her later years..... the woman who raised me to be a tough chick, to be my own hero, became someone who was too frightened by her physical limitations to do anything except wait for death.
Yet I am blessed to have my father's DNA coursing through me as well. The gene for do-or-die runs strong in my paternal people. I think our mottoes are "what other choice is there?" (that, and "sleep is for the weak, we'll rest when we're dead.") So I am determined with every fiber of my being to not give into my fears. I am hell-bent on not allowing my trepidation to outweigh my courage. I'm not stupid, mind you. I have a good sense of intuition and have managed to allow my suspicious nature to save my hide a couple of times. But I will not allow "oh, I'm afraid so I suppose I just won't....." to be a guide.
Even in those areas I fear most.
Especially those.
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